Recovering People Pleaser

navigating change with the holidays.

Photo by Dari lli on Unsplash

The holiday season is a time of waiting and expectation.

There are tools to help you count down the days until Christmas. Advent calendars, paper chains, apps or simply crossing off the days in the calendar. There is the relentless commercials and ads reminding you of gift giving…and buying.

A countdown to the big event. The big biggie. Christmas Day.

As a child, I loved everything surrounding the season and couldn’t wait until Christmas morning. As an adult, I struggle with the countdown as if it is a ticking bomb. The pressure to create and make a special and memorable Christmas day for my family.

My mom set an extremely high bar for me.

I couldn’t sleep on Christmas Eve, waiting and listening for Santa Claus to deliver the gifts. Squeezing my eyes, I wished that I could sleep and it would be morning. I was the first one up, roaming room to room gathering my brother and two sisters.

We waited up at the top of the stairs, while my parents made it “just right”. Listening to Christmas carols blaring from the speakers and knowing that orange juice and sliced and toasted Swedish Julekake would be waiting.

Over night, Santa (aka my mom) transformed the room.

Presents were lovingly placed around the tree and throughout the room. Some gifts were left unwrapped, like the new Madame Alexander doll that was a theme for years. The handmade stockings made by Grandma were bulging with wrapped soft packages and chocolate gold coins, balls and Santas.

Opening the gifts took ages, as I waited (very impatiently) and watched while everyone took turns opening their gifts. In later years, Mom wrapped the presents in different wrapping paper, a secret code, for each child. Despite being teenagers, she still wrote “from Santa” on most of our gifts.

Despite all the time she put into Christmas, I was still a bit let down. I was disappointment that I didn’t get the Barbie Dream House or the right color of eye shadow. I felt that she should have known me better and chose the right gifts.

Once the wrapping paper was thrown out and the presents put away, the counting and waiting began again.

Christmas time shifted when I was newly married. It was often lonely and definitely held less meaningful. With my family spread throughout the country, I was unable to visit and the magic seemed to have disappeared. Without my Mom to curate my day, it just became another day.

Until the boys came and it was my turn.

I attempted to create that same Christmas spirit with my kids. When they were little, it was simple to find presents to surprise and delight them. Santa even brought a train, with real smoke and a whistle, that was set up under the tree for Ethan. I loved finding sweet wooden toys, books, art supplies, Leggos and Playmobile. I chose gifts that brought open ended play and enrichment.

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When I was homeschooling the boys, we dedicated the entire month of December to creating, making and celebrating. On December 6, it kicked off with St. Nicholas day. I made tiny red and green felt shoes and placed them outside their bedroom doors full of candy. The day was spent making cookies, reading books and writing cards.

December 13, St. Lucia Day, was welcomed with homemade buns, finding the tree in the woods and lighting candles. Most years, my kids cut down a Charlie Brown tree, but it never mattered once it was decorated.

Following a Waldorf tradition, we read a sweet book The Festival of Stones by Reg Down that followed Tiptoes Lightly, and his friends as he prepared for Christmas. Reading along, we decorated the house with rocks, plants, animals and finally people. Each week we added another element as a was a way to mark time until Christmas.

The decorations were brought out slowly, and they continue to fit into one tote that is stored in the attic. The rest of the decorations came from our walks in the woods. Finding treasures of pine cones, red berries and evergreen branches to fill the house with scent.

I spent hours baking & decorating cookies, Swedish breads, rolls, chocolate bark and the fixings for our smorgasbord. Making and shipping our presents to family and delivering cookies to neighbors and friends.

Celebrating Winter Solstice became a larger presence in our life. We lit candles the night before and spoke our wishes into tiny balls rolled and added to the Monkey Bread to rise overnight. In the early morning, we rose and headed outside hiking if possible. We would return rosy cheeked and ready for warm bread. All of our visions and dreams baked and shared.

I am proud that I created a slow, warm and cozy December for my family, but it was exhausting, frustrating and irritating at times. Who says that?

Isn’t it suppose to be rosy and beautiful all the time?

I got sad when their faces didn’t light up on Christmas morning. The disappointment was visible when Santa brought a ping-pong table instead of the X-Box. I thought I failed at my role as Santa.

I let them down and ruined their morning.

I struggled to find a way out of gift giving so we traveled to the beach a couple of years as a replacement.

Working with change is tough, and it’s hard to navigate.

As a recovering people-pleaser, it is no longer my job to create magic for others. It is up to them to decide what the holidays means to them, and what they choose to do to celebrate them.

I am actually grateful that my kids had the courage to speak up.

Change is good. Change is inevitable.

On Sunday, I will get the tree from a local farm and decorate it with lights. That job remains mine! The ornaments will wait for Ethan to return home from school.

No rush.

I decided to take cookies off the list. Instead, I will make dark chocolate bark and buy the Swedish meatballs. I will attempt to bake the Julekake, following the recipe my Grandma dictated. My oven is temperamental so it might not work, but Christmas wouldn’t be the same without toasting it and slathering it with butter.

I’m staying out of malls and off of Amazon as much as possible. I am mindful of what I buy, and I made a small list from things the boys mentioned throughout the year. I’m not even buying my son his annual ornament. He gently reminded me “Mom, I do have 21 of them.”

These changes will free up time to be outside, make dates with local friends, snuggle over old Christmas movies and picture books and slow down.

I’m finding longer pockets of time to devote to writing, reading, creativity, yoga and meditation.

I crave the silence and stillness of the dark. 

My top priority is to find more stillness to reflect, read, relax and journal.

I just downloaded the beautiful Unravel your Year by

Susannah Conway

It’s an annual tradition to work on the week between Christmas and New Year’s.

Pulling the threads of the past year and dreaming of the next. 

Most recent book received as an early present from my brother and his wife.

I’m currently enjoying these titles:

The Tasha Tudor Christmas Book: Take Joy by Tasha Tudor

Calm Christmas by

Beth Kempton

(in tandem with the Podcast)

Winter Solstice by Rosamunde Pilcher

Lots of Candles and Plenty of Cake by Anna Quindlen

The Return of the Light by Carolyn McVickar Edwards

I am pulling out all the family holiday books to read this month. I’ll make a list of my favorites to share next time. 😀

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Is there something that you could drop off your holiday “To Do” list?

Are there any other recovering people pleasers out there?

Wishing you some merry making and quiet time.

Thank you for being here. Talk to you soon!

Blythe